I’m Edgar Allan Poe’s Landlord, and He Will Not Be Getting His Security Deposit Back

Dear Mister Poe,

At the end of this month, we will certainly be getting to the verdict of your 1 year lease. I desire I might state that I am sorry to see you go.

I’ll confess that I was at first excited by your literary qualifications and remarkably great preference in furnishings. Because of your patterns of turbulent and irresponsible actions, nevertheless, I am not able to return your down payment.

Within the previous 3 months alone, the offenses of your lease and our neighborhood criteria have actually consisted of:

  • Knocking openings in the wall surfaces of your system. (” Looking for prize” and “searching for that pet cat” are not appropriate factors for building damages. The “NO PETS” plan might not have actually been extra specific.)
  • Prying up the floorboards in your system.
  • Refusing parasite control solutions due to the fact that you declared to have “unique pests” that will certainly “recover your shed ton of money.” If you would certainly such as to recover your ton of money (and start paying rental fee on schedule), might I recommend obtaining a task?
  • Walling up usual locations without consent. Various other homeowners can no more access the wine rack, and they are really dissatisfied!
  • Attempting to transform the common garden compost container right into a “rat pit.”
  • Refusing me accessibility to your system to check the comprehensive damages. (Pointing at my cataract and calling me an “evil-eyed marauder” was unfortunate and, honestly, ableist.)
  • Shouting at a bird up until the late hours of the evening. (Quiet hours start at 10 p.m., and, once again, WE DO NOT ALLOW PETS I do not care if you urge the “bird is not your own”! , if it’s there every evening– and it should not be– it’s your own!)
  • Yelling at the bells every hour on the hour. (First Presbyterian is straight nearby, and you understood this when you relocated. The bells sound each day! You need to be made use of to this now!)
  • Hosting a substantial, rowdy celebration that attracted sound problems and developed into a superspreader occasion.
  • Opening various other homeowners’ mail to “inspect that nobody is taking it.”
  • Shredding all month-to-month expenses and urging that they are “scams.”
  • Replying to all communiqués with relatively empty sheets of paper and incomprehensible strings of numbers.
  • Accosting possible homeowners to ask, “How long do you offer it prior to this dump splits in fifty percent and penetrates the tarn?”

Given the advancing fixing prices, hassle, and the truth that you call me “old guy” as opposed to discovering my name, I believe I’ve been greater than charitable.

If you have actually not abandoned your system by 5 p.m. tomorrow, anticipate rapping, rapping at your chamber door.

And your down payment?



Mr. W. B. Tyler
47 Bond St.
New York, NY

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